Are You A PEOPLE-PLEASER?

“I can’t tell you the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.” – Ed Sheeran

Are you a people-pleaser? Are you constantly putting the needs of others before your own? Do you find it difficult to say ‘no’ and set boundaries? If so, you’re not alone. Being a people-pleaser can be exhausting, and knowing when to stop and take care of your needs is essential.

DEFINING PEOPLE-PLEASING

People-pleasing is an action taken by someone to gain approval and acceptance from others. Although it’s often done out of a need for recognition or attention, it can also be a way to avoid conflict or potential rejection. People-pleasing is more than being friendly or polite; it’s when you’re so focused on the needs of others that you neglect your own.

People-pleasing behaviour can look like trying to control situations and conversations, saying “yes” even when you don’t want to, putting other people’s needs ahead of your own, or not speaking up for yourself. It can also include taking on extra responsibilities, sacrificing time and energy, and worrying too much about what other people think. People-pleasing usually involves going above and beyond to ensure everyone else is happy.

WHEN DOES PEOPLE-PLEASING BECOME A PROBLEM?

People-pleasing can be seen as a positive trait. However, the problem with this kind of behaviour is that while it may temporarily help you gain approval, it can negatively impact your self-esteem and well-being. For example, you may avoid conflict, feel guilty when you disappoint someone and neglect your own needs. People-pleasing can also make it difficult for others to respect your boundaries and recognise your needs.

One of the biggest signs that you’re people-pleasing too much is if you find yourself feeling exhausted, resentful or burned out. If you notice that your people-pleasing is taking a toll on your mental and physical health, it’s time to stop and reassess what is truly best for you.

HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES AS A PEOPLE-PLEASER

Setting boundaries as a people-pleaser can be difficult. People-pleasing is often rooted in a deep-seated fear of rejection, so it can be hard to tell people “no” or push back against their requests. However, setting boundaries and caring for your needs is essential for your well-being and can help you move beyond people-pleasing behaviour. Here are some tips for how to set boundaries as a people-pleaser:

1. Communicate assertively. When setting boundaries, be direct and firm in your communication. Speak in a clear, confident voice that conveys your message and stands up for your needs. Be sure to use “I” statements and avoid blaming others.

2. Take responsibility for your emotions. Don’t make excuses for why you’re feeling the way you do. Instead, take responsibility for how you feel and how you respond.

3. Make it about you, not them. Don’t personalise the situation or take it personally. Instead, focus on how the other person’s request is affecting you.

4. Know your limits. Before setting a boundary, take some time to think about what you are able and willing to do. Knowing your limits ahead of time can help you be more assertive when communicating them.

5. Respect their boundaries too. Remember that just because you have to say “no” to someone doesn’t mean they have to say “yes” to you. Respect their right to set their own boundaries and don’t pressure them into doing something they don’t want to do.

6. Be prepared to face the consequences. Setting boundaries can lead to uncomfortable conversations and even rejection. Be prepared to face the consequences but remember that it is better to have honesty and integrity than to sacrifice your needs all the time.

By following these steps, you can learn to set healthy boundaries and care for your needs without feeling guilty or ashamed. People-pleasing is an exhausting cycle, but you can break free from it by putting yourself first and living more authentically.

MEETING YOUR OWN NEEDS

It is normal to want to make others happy but to avoid the risks associated with pleasing-people; you need to look after yourself first.

1. Make Time for Yourself: Schedule time in your day or week that is just for yourself. Whether it’s reading, exercising, meditating, or something else, prioritise your self-care.

3. Respect Your Feelings: If something feels wrong, listen to it. When you trust your instincts and follow what feels right, you care for yourself.

4. Take Breaks: Take a break when you’re feeling overwhelmed or exhausted. Allow yourself to recharge and come back refreshed.

5. Do things that bring you joy. Spend time doing things that you love and feel passionate about. This is a great way to unwind and recharge.  

By taking care of yourself and meeting your needs, you can prevent the risks of people-pleasing while still being kind and generous towards others. Self-care is key to being a healthy people-pleaser, so prioritise your needs first.

“The only thing wrong with trying to please everyone is that there is always at least one person who will remain unhappy. You.” – Elizabeth Parker