THE ART OF SELF-KINDNESS

“Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own thoughts, unguarded." Buddha

It can seem so much easier to be kind to others than to ourselves. All too often, we seem driven to give ourselves a hard time.
I once heard a story that really stayed with me. I can’t remember where I actually read it… but it went something like this.

A woman decided to go on a blind date. She got to the restaurant and sat down. Her date was already there. They ordered drinks, and before they’d even finished drinking them, her date got up and left.

She was very upset and, as she sat all alone at the table, she called her friend. “He’s left – we haven’t even had dinner, and he just got up and left.”

“Well, that’s not surprising,” said her friend. “You look a right mess. You’ve put on weight recently – you don’t care about what you wear.  Your hair looks a state. He probably thinks you’re not good enough for him - you’ve got nothing interesting to say…and you’re not very smart either. Why on earth do you think he’d bother to stay?”

 What a friend, you might say!!! With friends like that…

 Except, it wasn’t her friend… it was her. No friend would say some of the negative, hurtful and damaging things we say to ourselves! And… WE wouldn’t say those things to our friends either.

What kind of things do you say to yourself?

Negative self-talk is toxic. It’s the inner critic voice inside our heads that constantly puts us down and diminishes us. And, when the inner critic attacks - it’s mean, cruel, and judgemental. It’s often demanding and helps to sabotage us from having a happy and meaningful life.

Negative self-talk stops us from being who we really are and badly impacts our self-esteem, leaving us feeling hopeless and depressed. 

Is your inner critic working overtime? Is negative self-talk bringing you down?

Here are 3 things you can start to do about it.

1.     NOTICE YOUR THINKING

Our thoughts are incredibly powerful and noticing negative thinking can help to diminish its power.  

We hold many beliefs about ourselves. Our beliefs act like lenses through which we see life situations and experiences. They are the narratives that we tell ourselves and others, and they are things we believe/assume to be true. However, our thoughts are often exaggerated, biased, and disproportionate. By paying closer attention to our thinking, we can start to see that just because we think something, it doesn’t mean it’s true.  

As Maxwell Maltz (Psycho-Cybernetics) explains, “Whether we realize it or not, each of us carries about with us a mental blueprint or picture of ourselves…It has been built up from our own beliefs about ourselves. But most of these beliefs about ourselves have unconsciously been formed from our past experiences, our successes and failures, our humiliations, our triumphs, and the way other people have reacted to us, especially in early childhood.” (Psycho cybernetics, Maltz)

Our thinking/beliefs can help or hinder our ability to move forward in life. We can place limits on what we believe we can achieve and can avoid situations where we perceive risk.

Our thinking/beliefs can help or hinder our ability to move forward in life. We can place limits on what we believe we can achieve and can avoid situations where we perceive risk.

2. ASK YOURSELF WHAT ADVICE YOU WOULD GIVE TO A FRIEND

If it were your friend who’d gone on the date, would you speak to them unkindly, or would you support them and treat them with kindness and compassion? Analyse your own self-talk and ask yourself – what advice would I give to a friend, or what would a friend say to me?   

"Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn't worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens." (Louise Hay)

 Make a list of the negative things you say to yourself and replace them with kinder talk, e.g.

• I am a failure / I have tried my best, and I learn from my mistakes

• I can’t do this / The more I practice, the better I get

And remember, you’re human. We all make mistakes, and we all have bad days. Be kind to yourself.

3. CHALLENGE YOUR CRITICAL THOUGHTS

Often our negative thoughts are exaggerated and dramatic. It can be helpful to stop and challenge your thoughts by looking more closely at the evidence. Ask yourself:

• Is this accurate? Is this true?

• Am I making assumptions?

• What other possible outcomes are there?

• Is there another way of looking at this?

• What would I say to a friend?

• Is there evidence for this worry?

• Is this worry in or out of my control?

The way we talk to ourselves has a huge impact on how we see ourselves and on the actions that we choose to take.

Why not ditch that inner critic and employ your inner coach instead?   

“Of all the judgements we pass in life, none is more important than the judgement we pass on ourselves.” Nathaniel Branden